10 Things Your Soldier Wants You To Know (Homecoming)

As homecoming gets closer and closer and we are so excited I am worried how life will reintegrate to what we used to know. I know it will be different but how different. I read somewhere a few months back that "homecoming is the hardest part of deployment" and I will never forget this statement. If you have never done this before you could not understand how those seven words even make sense. But for me doing this once already I am thinking about homecoming and it scares me to death. Of course, not that first wonderful days once Chris gets home. Then we are going on vacation for a week so life will be amazing. But it is life after all the great vacations and sleeping in and eating out and no work our life has to go back to "normal". We have to go back to work, we have to go back to a schedule, we have to go back to laundry and dishes and schedules and the craziness of the Miller family. I know this is normal for me to feel like this but the excitement and anxiety of homecoming are hitting me hard this week. I stumbled cross this top 10 list of things your soldier wants you to know. It was written by a psychiatrist that treats veterans coming back from deployments. #1 pretty much sums up our life. A good read for any military spouse. 

1. He is addicted to war, although he loves you. War is horrible, but there is nothing like a life-and-death fight to make you feel truly alive. The adrenaline rush is tremendous, and can never be replaced. Succeeding in combat defines a warrior, places him in a brotherhood where he is always welcome and understood. 

2. Living for you is harder. It would be easy for him to die for you because he loves you. Living for you, which is what you actually want, is harder for him. It is even harder for him if you are smart and do not need him to rescue you, since rescuing is something he does really well.

 3. “The training kicks in” means something very different to him. It is direct battle doctrine that when ambushed by a superior force, the correct response is “Apply maximum firepower and break contact.” Unfortunately, your tears are unbearable to him; they create explosive emotions in him that are difficult for him to control. Unfortunately, warriors frequently respond to strong waves of guilt by applying more “maximum firepower” on friends, family, or unfortunate strangers.

4. He is afraid to get attached to anyone because he has learned that the people you love get killed, and he cannot face that pain again. He may make an exception for his children (because they cannot divorce him), but that will be instinctual and he will probably not be able to explain his actions.

5. He knows the military exists for a reason.  The sad fact is that a military exists ultimately to kill people and break things. This was true of our beloved “Greatest Generation” warriors of WWII, and it remains true to this day. Technically, your warrior may well be a killer, as are his friends. He may have a hard time seeing that this does not make him a murderer. He is a sheepdog, not a wolf. The emotional side of killing in combat is complex. He may not know how to feel about what he’s seen or done, and he may not expect his feelings to change over time. Warriors can experiences moments of profound guilt, shame, and self-hatred. He may have experienced a momentary elation at “scoring one for the good guys,” then been horrified that he celebrated killing a human being. He may view himself as a monster for having those emotions, or for having gotten used to killing because it happened often. One of my Marines recommended On Killingby Dave Grossman, and I would pass that recommendation on.

6. He’s had to cultivate explosive anger in order to survive in combat. He may have grown up with explosive anger (violent alcoholic father?) as well.

7. He may have been only nineteen when he first had to make a life and death decision for someone else. What kind of skills does a nineteen-year-old have to deal with that kind of responsibility?

 8. He may believe that he’s the only one who feels this way; eventually he may realize that at least other combat vets understand. On some level, he doesn’t want you to understand, because that would mean you had shared his most horrible experience, and he wants someone to remain innocent.

9. He doesn’t understand that you have a mama bear inside of you, that probably any of us could kill in defense of someone if we needed to. Imagine your reaction if someone pointed a weapon at your child. Would it change your reaction if a child pointed a weapon at your child?

10. When you don’t understand, he needs you to give him the benefit of the doubt.  He needs you also to realize that his issues really aren’t about you, although you may step in them sometimes.