Yesterday was the worst day yet since Chris left for Afghanistan. While most days I worry about things that are happening here at home as I have no control over what happens in Afghanistan. Normally Audrey, work, school, swim class, the other busy appointments and stresses we have here are my major focus because I cannot worry about the "What ifs" of Chris. It would torture me if I thought or constantly stressed about the kind of dangers Chris is in while in Afghanistan. The main reason I have stopped watching the news is because I see all the protests, the unrest, and the American soldiers being killed and I cannot handle watching it. The only option is for Chris to come home and I cannot let these negative images render my thoughts or feelings. It would eat me alive.
After not talking to Chris for a few days he messaged me yesterday and with having my phone at work I was able to talk to him. Which is wonderful but seems as if he needed to vent. Which is also wonderful I will find a way to talk to him but he relayed details of things going on over there that I really did not want to know. He assures me that he is safe but he also told me details I am better off not knowing. For me, it is easier to pretend like he is safe in a little hotel room on vacation somewhere. Although I know this is not the case it is easier to think that than the reality of his situation. I had a nice meltdown at work, stepped outside, got it together and went back in and finished the day. It hurt to hear those things but I was at work I had to keep it together. And I think I did okay. I can hold it together when needed and work was not the time to have a breakdown. So I finished the conversation and finished the day.
When I got home last night there was a message on our answering machine from the FRG saying they had a message to relay to me about my soldier. My stomach sank. Audrey was at Donna's so I called the number back. My hands were shaking and I felt sick. I had just talked to him earlier in the day what could they possibly want? When someone starts a conversation, "...there has been an incident in Afghanistan involving your soldier..." I panic. I sit quietly while she reads a statement from some guy trying to calm our worries here at home while things are at a state of unrest in Afghanistan. I will not elaborate on the rest of the conversation for security and privacy issues. I am sure there is information that I can and cannot put in a public forum but I was assured that my soldier was safe. The whole conversation was kind of a blur. I just heard words like explosives, injuries, Afghanistan but most important "your soldier is safe". Other than that I really did not take much of it in. I was not prepared for that phone call at all. She just solidified my fears of the harm that Chris may be in. It is all over the news, on facebook, people are publicly talking about it... we all know what is going on overseas but I did not want to believe it.
Being home alone, I hung up the phone and had a meltdown. I started to almost hyperventilate then I got sick. I had no one to call, no one to talk to, I just sat here crying. Part because I was getting the phone call that he was safe but part that I was assured of the real dangers. I picked up the phone but didn't know who I would call and could not get any words out anyways so I would endues panic on whoever I dialed. It was the worst day yet. As Audrey play so naively next door I put the leash on Hudson and would go get her. I had to get out of the house. I could not be here. I could not sit here by myself. I headed over to my moms where I could at least talk to someone. My brother who spent a tour in Afghanistan tries to calm my worries but military men all talk the same. They try to sugar coat the truth but they are VERY bad at it. He tells me how many guys they lost and how bad it really is, that spring is right around the corner and how it will get worse. Really Andrew?! lol He really was trying to make me feel better but the only thing that will make me feel better is having Chris home.
By the time we got home last night I was exhausted. Emotionally and physically. My mind could not take anymore stress. I felt like I was in a fog. So as soon as we got home we went to bed. I hugged Audrey harder than I think I have ever have as she went off to bed as she was oblivious to the stress of the day. I must have woken up 4 or 5 times last night... just staring at the clock wishing it was time to get up because I could not sleep anyways. My head pounding and my heart aching.
Chris is very good at assuring me that he is safe. He calms my mind when I let it wonder to that horrible place where I start to think of the "what ifs" but that phone call just made everything worse. I understand why they called but I wish I would have never been informed in the first place. Yesterday was the worst day yet since Chris left. I can handle the bad days here, the sleeping alone, the "single parent" life, the stress of life while your husband is deployed but what I cannot handle is the threat of something happening to Chris. Yesterday made that much more real for me and I hate it. But I got the good news and information and there are families that will be getting news that I can never fathom as the unrest in Afghanistan continues.
I woke up today with that same pounding headache and as I head of to school for quizzes and exams I wonder how my mind will be able to focus on anything but my family. I have to pull it together and try to go back to that place where I do not think about the "What ifs" but after yesterday it is becoming very hard. This never gets easier but life must go on here even if it was a little bit harder to get out of bed today.
God Bless Our Troops and may they all return home safe.
"The thought of being with you tomorrow gives me the strength to go on today."
