Over the last couple days I have gotten the same response from many different people when they ask me about Chris. When I respond and either tell them he has been deployed since January or he in not due home until September they all give me the same look, this really sad kinda scared look. I know they are trying to be sympathetic but they just make me feel worse. "Ooh it must be really hard for your family" one told me. Yes, of course it is hard for my family why would you point it out?! Or they would tell me that they don't know how we do it. Because we have to, we do it because we have no choice. It's like they do not know what to say and everything that comes out is garbage. Someone said, "it must be so hard on Audrey" Yes of course it is but she's a resilient kid and years down the road she probably won't even remember this. As I smile and try to be positive and point out that we are over half way through and that Audrey and I are doing okay they continue to give me "that look". Like they feel sorry for me or something. I think its similar to someone who has lost a family member and you try and console them but don't know what to say. Because they don't really know what the right thing is to say. I had an older guy in my class ask my about my bracelets and as I told him that Chris was in Afghanistan this was his response, "Ohh it's really bad over there...I was in the military. I was in Desert Storm...(someone else... I kinda started blocking him out) and Afghanistan and it's really bad over there." Whhhhyyyy would you tell a military wife that?! Why would you say those things. I mean you are stating the obvious, I know what's going on over there and yes it is hard for our family. Maybe I am just getting more sensitive to what people say after 5 months... but I have just noticed this trend of people saying the same thing and giving me the same look. Not that I can't hear those things but it's not something I want to hear while sitting in class. I have come to the conclusion it is not me. As I respond that we are over half way there or smile and say we are chugging along and staying busy. Not that people have to walk on egg shells around me because I know they are really trying to help. They just don't know what to say, or maybe there isn't a right thing to say. All I know is I felt like after having this conversation with about 5 people in 2 days I had a major meltdown. Also lately I have gotten the "I thought we pulled the troops out" or the "we need to get our troops out of there" or start the political conversation on the war with me. Listen, I do not want to talk politics. Yes, we still have a lot of troops overseas sacrificing while that ignorant sentence comes out of their mouths. It has been an emotional week and as we go into Memorial Day weekend I am sure I will rushed with emotions.
All I know is I hope that it is not evident on my face. Do I look like a crazy mess? Do I come across like I don't have it together? I don't want that sad, trying to be sympathetic look that I have received over and over. I put a smile on my face everyday because that is the only thing that makes me feel better. I can't be miserable for an entire year of my life even if sometimes I want to be. I have a beautiful 3 year old to be strong for and a wonderful husband I need to support. Although sometimes I want to crawl in a hole and stay there until September I know that I cannot. I just wish people would think things through before they speak. So today I will put that same smile on my face even if it is a little fake sometimes and keep it together for another day.
Sorry for the rant.
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