Some Days Are Harder Than Others

Some days I feel like I totally have this. Like I totally have it together. Like I can handle everyday that starts before it gets light out and continues well into the night. A smile on my face everyday while I head to school or work or to play with Audrey so she will never know how hard it is for her dad and I.  But after 20 hours of Audrey throwing up during finals week I feel like I am at my breaking point. While still trying to make it the store and post office for Chris' care package, work and Hudson has fleas... again. Anything else? I feel like I've had it. I just need Chris' opinion sometimes or just a day to talk to him, or just an evening in so I have someone to tell my day to. Not another night alone. I am so tired of coming home to an empty house night after night. After Frontline and flea spray I need him to tell me what flea shampoo to give Hudson and why he's foaming at the mouth when I spray flea stuff on him and why he is trying to rub it all over our new couch. I need him to fix our screen door and our sweeper cord that the dog has chewed (again), I need him to change my oil in my car, I need his opinion on every house I look at. I need to know if he really likes them rather than him looking at every picture I email him. I need him to be home to see Audrey on her first bike, her first jump rope, her first cartwheel.  I hate doing this all on my own and I know it just tears him apart to be away during these things. I mean I have a line up for a vet appointment for Hudson, a dentist appointment for Audrey and an eye appointment for me.... lets see who wins and gets their appointment schedules first! I really do have a great support system but there are just things that they cannot do. I need Chris to wake up with Audrey during the night with me like when he's home to tell me that she's going to be okay after throwing up for hours and that I am not overreacting (because he knows I do)  A message hours later from him just doesn't do it. I know it kills him to be away from her especially when she is sick and its not his fault. Hell, I needed my mom to bring Audrey over Gatorade and Popsicles so I wouldn't have to take her out to the store while she's throwing up. Maybe I am needy, maybe I don't have this or maybe I am just stretched thin. Whatever it is, it sucks. He has been gone for 9 months... home for a few days at Christmas but for the most part he's been gone for 9 months. And we still have 5 months to go until he is home. At times I think how selfish I am because everyday that I "complain" about it here at home is a day that he is away from us too. It's just as hard to be away from home as it is to be home without him. Any military family can attest to that. This many years later one would think that I would get used to it. But you don't. You don't ever get used to it. I really try and stay positive but we all know that we have our bad days. Tomorrow will be better I am sure but that doesn't mean that the pain is any less. That doesn't mean that every night alone is any easier. Deep breathes, a few tears and a bottle of Moscato... Come on September <3